OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
