so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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