apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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