This is not my ceiling
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
