i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
