the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
