mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
