I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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