so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
