i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
