swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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