The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Randomize
