Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
