do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
