Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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