oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
