and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
