she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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