I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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