Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
