i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
