Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
honey bunches of taint.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
