you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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