I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
