so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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