I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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