i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
