Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
