her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
