Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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