he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
