from now on my penis is your penis
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
