Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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