Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Bang-toberfest begins!!
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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