# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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