I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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