So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i wish my penis had a tongue
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Randomize
