Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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