peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
