I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
