god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
