can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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