Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
