Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
