I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
