i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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