Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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