I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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