i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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