I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
my phone needs a breathalizer
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
